YOU KNOW YOU HAVE COELIAC DISEASE IF...

I found this hilarious list on the Facebook group 'You know you have Celiac Disease if...' Enjoy!

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE CELIAC DISEASE...
- If you dont remember what crackers are supposed to taste like.
- If you bring "special" beer to the party, and don't share.
- If you actually have nightmares about reading labels.
- If you compare all of your food to "normal-people-food."
- If you call all your relatives when you get sick. It MUST be because something you ate has been cross-contaminated.
- If you cry when you discover a new way to make gluten-free bread. And call all your relatives.
- If you know that Xantham Gum is not for chewing.
- If you don't lick stamps.
- If your mother is afraid to do the cooking
- If you sit on the phone with a pharmacy for an hour to find out what type of starch they use just so that you can take a generic Tylenol and be-rid of your headache.
- If you know that spelt is a distant cousin of wheat, but buckwheat is not related to wheat at all.
- If the construction workers working on the house next door to you can EASILY substitute your bread for one of their bricks.
- If your grandmother INSISTS that you don't have celiac, you're just “suffering from malabsorption”
- If you burst into tears of relief at the sight of the words "gluten free" stamped on the corner of the Nestle hot cocoa mix.
- If you actually KNOW what an anti-TTG and an IGA blood test are.
- If you forget to buy bun, rolls, bread, ect. at the store for all the gluten eaters of you family.
- If you sold your house to buy groceries
- If you sold your first child to buy groceries (even if you did not have one at the time)
- If you can find "hidden gluten" in food labels in the blink of an eye - if your family couldn't find them if they had a magnifying glass, dictionary, and Ph.D.
- If you've actually suggested cardboard for dinner.
- If you've actually eaten cardboard for dinner.
- If you wept the first time you tried to make gluten free sugar cookies
- If you accept that fact that cardboard probably taste better than gluten free sugar cookies anyway.
- If you have ever made a list of everything you would eat if a magical genie could cure you.
- If you keep this list with you at all times just incase you should come across a magical genie.
- If you have searched for a magical genie.
- If you now have a large collection of old lamps.
- If you get a medical exemption out of cooking class because they are baking bread.
- If you've had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.
- If you weep at picnics, parties, receptions and fast food joints.
- If you weep at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
- If you've "brown bagged it" to an elegant dinner engagement.
- If a 7 Course Meal is a 1 Course Meal for you. Lettuce.
- If you've installed floor-to-ceiling bookcases in your bathroom.
- If you've ever driven more than 40 miles to buy flour or a cookie.
- If it takes you 4 hours to grocery shop and your eyesight is ruined.
- If you hyperventilate when passing by the bakery counter.
- If you've ever deliberately rammed your cart into a Shredded Wheat display in a fit of rage.
- If you've ever had to take out a loan to pay the grocery bill.
- If you'd gladly pay any price for a pretzel that doesn't taste like sawdust, or bread that doesn't taste like an old shoe.
- If the centerpiece on your dining room table is a bread machine with memorial candles.
- If your bread looks like a moon rock and tastes like dried out Play Doh.
- If your bread weighs more than any moon rock could possibly weigh.
- If one of your primary goals in life is to create "Fake Oreo Cookies".
- If you've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your mayo.
- If you've brought a suitcase full of food with you on a cruise.
- If you pace and circle the store three or four times when deciding on a new product, pick it up look at the ingredients, each time. Only to leave without it, figuring why bother.
- If your family thinks you're crazy for not tasting their new chocolate chip cookie recipe, because surely a little nibble couldn't hurt right?
- If your financial portfolio consists of stock in two major toilet paper companies.
- If you are up late at night trying to develop a recipe for pizza without flour, cheese, yeast, tomatoes, beef, garlic and oregano.
- If you can spell transglutaminase and dermatitis herpetiformis.
- If you just discovered how to make flour out of turnips.
- If you show up at the annual church pancake breakfast with a mask and sardine lettuce rollups
- If having solid poop is the highlight of your day.
- If you have actually doodled a new cartoon dog on your notes named "Sprue"
- If you have a sign in your kitchen saying "Gluten free environment"
- If you have actually considered using a gluten-free bagel for a hockey puck
- If you've mastered saying "I actually enjoy MY food" without your face twitching
- If you know all about xanthan gum and its uses.
- If you have ever dreamt about Wonder Bread.
- If you hide the gluten-free cookies when guests come over, so they dont eat them.
- If you read the ingredient label on green tea - plain green tea.
- If you know exactly when Post added barley flavoring back to the Fruity Pebbles and you're ticked.
- If you pay relatives back east exorbitant shipping rates to send you a $12 six pack of Gluten-free beer.
- If you cried when you saw your usually careful husband brushing the crumbs off his hands (from making a gluten-containing sandwich) RIGHT OVER the open utensil drawer
- If you talk about your disease (not the unpleasant parts) so much to your friends and acquaintances that your husband tells you you need to get another hobby
- If you take a list of safe drinks to the bar with you. And actually consult it before you order a drink.
- If you see someone buying rice flour in the bulk section and you just have to ask them if they are gluten intolerant too!
- If it drives you crazy when someone says they completely understand your diet, they did Atkins.
- If people roll their eyes at you when you say "no thank you" to someone's gluten filled dessert
- If you've refused things as "simple" as gum or sucking candies because you don't know if they're safe.
- If you talk about endoscopy's and colonoscopy's like these are normal everyday occurences that everyone gets nearly every year.
- If you've ever watched your own -scopy, and asked the doc to point out anything cool.